What it means to truly love

I always have a few ideas bouncing around in my head about what to blog about. But then what normally happens - as did today - the ideas get sidelined by something else I've seen. Something inspiring.

And today that thing was BBC Three's beautifully-made documentary, Joey Essex: Grief and Me.

For those who haven't seen it yet, it's 30-year-old Joey talking about his mum's suicide when he was just ten years old and addressing the fact that none of the trappings of fame have managed to make him happy... that he would give it all up in a heartbeat just to have one more hour with her.

But I think what pulled on my heartstrings the most was what he said about not wanting to put anyone he was close to through the pain he went through losing his mum. So what he does instead, when he feels himself getting close to someone, is to push them away.

Which I get.

It's a kind of back-to-front sort of self-defence. We won't get hurt because we won't allow anyone to get close enough to hurt us.

But the flip side of that is we are still hurting ourselves. Because in reality we are denying ourselves the chance to be happy. To find someone to love, who will love us back.

I don't tend to watch a lot of romantic comedies. Not because I'm not romantic, because I am. I'm stupidly soppy. And just like Joey, I fight it too, because I'm not keen on getting hurt either. But I know that if I don't at least try to open up, I'm denying myself the chance to have something special with someone. To be truly happy.

The reason I don't tend to watch a lot of romantic comedies is because they feel too formulaic, too 'unreal'. Anyone can be loved up when there's nothing to worry about. When money's not an issue, or time, and there's no outside stresses (kids, crazy bosses, sick relatives). It's easy to be your best self when times are good.

The trick to love, however, is holding on to your best self when things aren't going well. Which is one of the reasons why one romantic drama I can handle is The Notebook. That to me is a much, more realistic version of what true love is really about. Being there for someone despite everything else that's going on in your lives at the time, despite how hard it is.

Which leads back to my question at the start of my blog:

What is means to truly love.

I'm not even pretending to know the answer myself (because let's face it, I've had a few **cked up relationships myself), but every single person I've ever interviewed about it says the same. It's about communicating with each other, talking, being honest and kind. To me, a good relationship is about making the other person's feelings and emotions, dreams and desires, as important as your own.

When I think about all of my close friends, the reason I'm close to all of them is that I've seen them through some of their hardest times. And believe me, some of them have hit some really low, lows. Others, it's just been shit. But all I know is that when things have got tough, we haven't run away from each other. Unlike what Joey said in his documentary, it's never once felt like they've projected their pain onto me, or the other way around. More that we've wanted to be there for each other during some of life's shittest moments (as well as some of the best).

It's never once felt like we've overstepped the boundaries of our friendship. Instead we've leant against bedroom radiators making sick-arse jokes just to make each other laugh at how bad things were. We've sworn (profusely at times) because sometimes that's the only thing left to do. We've cried, and we've held each other, and sometimes we've just held each other and said nothing at all. Because that's what friendship - and love - is all about.

So @JoeyEssex_ if you're reading this, this one's for you.

Not once - EVER - has seeing my friends at their lowest point made me love them any less.

In fact, it's only ever made me love them even more. Seeing how strong and beautiful they were even in their darkest times. Seeing how much they fought to get back to where they needed to be, with grace and beauty, and without bitterness.

I get your fear because I feel it too.

But it goes back to where I was earlier. About love being worth the risk.

You can play it safe and never let anyone in, ever. But then you're denying yourself the chance of happiness. Of finding that someone special.

I need to keep reminding myself of this too (a lot!) but sharing your vulnerabilities doesn't inflict your pain on someone else. It allows them to lift it off you. To take some of it away, and hold you when you need it the most.

That's what true love is really about.

Not just the good times. But the bad times too.

Notebook style if you like. #wartsandall

#truelove #love #romanticcomedies #thenotebook #joeyessex #bbcthree #griefandme