Is it true - DO kids bounce back from traumatic events in their life?

We've all heard the phrase. The one that gets bandied around a lot when we talk about kids and how they deal with traumatic events in their life.

"They'll be ok. Kids bounce back."

But do they? Is it really that simple? And if so, why is it considered correct that kids 'bounce' back, but adults don't? Surely it makes more sense that adults should 'bounce back' more, because they've had more life experiences and can rationalise their experiences in their heads more easily?

It's a question I'm forever fascinated by, and one of the reasons I chose to focus my book around a group of teens. I felt really strongly that I needed to give young people a voice and to look at their lives from their point of view, and not just the adults.

But who am I to say what's right or wrong when it comes to the 'right' way to approach something? I'm a writer, so my job is to observe people and situations, and then tell the story from both sides, so that it stimulates a conversation, allowing people to make up their own minds about what they think.

Because of the subject matter of my book, it was important to me that I included some interviews at the end of the story that would help inform people, and help those that needed it.

I included an interview with a survivor of domestic abuse, as well as an interview with a counsellor who works with young people so that I could get his take on the whole 'bouncing back' theory.

I first met Tim as part of my search for a street artist. At the time, he was working with a youth group, but it was his interactions with the young people there that made him want to do more.

"The youth work allowed me to get to know groups of adolescents really well and offer support that may be lacking in their life. I loved it! However, it didn't take long for me to think there was something more I could do, something deeper. Psychotherapy was the obvious next step."

When I asked Tim about the assumption that kids just bounce back from trauma, the main thing I took away from him was the importance of allowing young people to talk about how they are feeling.

"We all feel all emotions, and we need to acknowledge that it's ok to feel every emotion, including things like anger. We all need safe places to explore our feelings and acknowledgement of all our emotions is important. How we act on them is different, but acknowledgement gives us choice and choice will help free us."

"Children and young people are no different. For them, it is even more important because they have less life experience, they are more immediate in their outlook and therefore more extreme in their views and behaviour. They need to push, so being in a safe environment really helps."

So what does Tim think about the idea that kids are somehow more resilient?

"I've heard it said that kids will bounce back, and actually this can be true! I think kids can be surprisingly resilient to some awful things, but only if they are given a secure, nurturing environment and time from which to think and feel about what has happened. To me, this is what it means to bounce back and ignoring this or impinging upon it is what stops the healthy process.

"If we don't get the chance to explore the trauma in our lives, it festers and can come out in all sorts of ways, the longer we leave it the harder it is to see. As someone who works with adults too, I see how a thing that a teenager gets to grips with in one session can take years for a person in their 60s to acknowledge."

I've just started writing my second book, about a little boy who loses his mum. The subject gives me the opportunity to look at how people deal with the death of a loved one. Not just them though, but the people close to them too. And how all those interactions affect the final outcome of how someone comes to terms with their own healing process.

As part of my research, I've been reading and watching as many interviews with young people as possible. And without a single conflicting view, every one of them who was interviewed spoke about how important it was to them that people asked them how they were feeling.

Don't shy away from the subject matter, just because you know it will be hard to talk about.

Maybe it's because I'm someone who likes to communicate anyway, that just seems to sit right with me. Because I know if something is bothering me, I can't wait for the 'right time' to talk about it. I just have to spit it out, there and then. Get it talked about.

Which is what Tim advocates. Talking.

"Essentially, I would say that if you are worried about someone, talk to them. Communication is everything. Even if it seems too much, by listening you can help them realise they are not alone, and possibly that they can make changes. Counsellors are professional listeners really, so once someone is no longer in danger, which is the most important thing to address first, then they should seek help."

So if you know of a young person who is struggling with something in their life, talk to them. Listen to what they have to say, and you might well be the person they remember in later years who helped them to 'bounce back' by providing the safe, support system they needed in which to address their feelings.

Finally - most importantly of all. If a young person needs help, where can they get it?

"A large proportion of of schools now offer counselling, but also a person's GP will have details of public and private counselling. There are some really amazing charities that offer space for young people and many counsellors and psychotherapists in private practice, which even if you feel you cannot afford, at least get in touch, they may be able to help."

** Tim Shuker-Yates is an experienced and qualified psychodynamic counsellor and psychotherapist who has expanded his practice to integrate other useful methods of thinking, such as creative practice. He graduated from the BACP accredited MA/PGDIP contemporary therapeutic counselling course at the University of Hertfordshire and now works regularly in schools, counselling services and in private practice in Cambridgeshire.

His website address is: www.timshukeryates.co.uk

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